As I wrote in the previous post, it’s been a difficult couple of weeks, full of fear and pain. During this time, I thought the fear of a quick deterioration would kill all hope and break my spirit.
It’s this part of cancer that sucks for me.
Thankfully, the pain is easing somewhat and I’ve finally had a couple of decent night’s sleep.
During last night’s bath, I took some time to reflect on the last 8 months. So many days get lost or roll from one to the next when you are fighting cancer and every now and then, I like to take time out to think about how far I’ve come, what’s worked, what hasn’t and what lays ahead of me.
One thing that struck me was how, from the start of this, I have always been determined to live. Like most people, I have a long list of things I would like to see before I depart this beautiful planet of ours. Watching my children grow, flourish, get married, grandchildren and to be there for them when life’s obstacles get in the way. There are so many places I want to visit and goals I want to achieve. Goals that seemed so unobtainable BC (before cancer) but now, with a high level of gratitude for being alive and a new found confidence in myself, completely doable.
But, I couldn’t help feeling I was stuck in no man’s land.
In my planning for the future, for when I “beat” cancer, I forgot something….
I’m living now
What if I do succumb to this illness? Will all of my time since diagnosis be spent planning for a future I may not see?
Today….right now whilst typing this, I am alive and feeling relatively well.
Tomorrow, I will wake up to a brand new day, 24 hours to “do” things. In the pain, the fear, the anger and the sadness post diagnosis, it’s sometimes hard to appreciate this when we are told we are facing a death sentence in x number of weeks or months as the medics tell us. However determined we are to beat this, often the fear gets in the way of enjoying being alive right now.
Of course, for those who are in a great deal of pain, or who have made peace with their predicted fate, then getting out living may either not be physically possible or not something they desire. And this is fine. Everyone is entitled to deal with and feel how they wish.
So, although Covid restrictions are (still) putting a spanner in the works in terms of places to visit and loved ones to see, I plan to live for today.
However small, I will DO something every single day that makes me happy. For those days where I’m consumed with fear, I will watch something that makes me laugh. On days where I feel invincible, I will head on out and walk in some of the breath-taking countryside Yorkshire provides for us.
“What day is it?” asked Pooh.
“It’s today,” squeaked Piglet.
“My favorite day,” said Pooh.”
― A.A. Milne
Love and strength,