So, last week, I finally completed my first block of chemotherapy and was all set to begin my “chemo holiday”. This 3 month period is to give my body a rest from treatment and to recover. I had planned to post on the evening of my final chemotherapy cycle, full of excitement and relief, as it was something I had looked forward to since Christmas. The gemcitabine and cisplatin I receive, which is standard treatment for Cholangiocarcinoma, was beginning to take its toll and I longed to have time to heal my body in order to feel strong and healthy again.
I was lucky to tolerate chemotherapy pretty well. My main issue was a reaction to the steroids given before the chemo itself, resulting in puffy eyes and face. Other than that, some fatigue was as bad as it got, which given the amount of toxicity pumped into my body each time, I count myself very lucky.
*Note: If you experience a reaction to the steroids, you can ask them to administer it at a slower rate. Nurses gave me 8ml over 8 minutes (sometimes 10) and that seemed to lessen the effects.
The last couple of chemotherapy sessions were slightly harder going than before but as I was recovering from Covid-19 that’s hardly surprising.
So, when the nurse removed the last cannula I’d thankfully see for a while (my veins have all but given up!) I genuinely thought I would hop, skip and jump out of hospital. THIS was the day I had been waiting for.
Feeling The Fear
But, over the next few days, I began to feel fearful of what could potentially happen during these 3 months.
What if my main tumour increases in size?
What if it spreads further than my liver and left lung?
Having made so lifestyle changes in order to support my treatment,improve my overall health and of course, beat cancer, the realisation that should there be a progression in my cancer during the next few months, I would probably have to accept that my chances of a longer life really are dependent on chemotherapy. This terrified me (and still does) as the damage chemotherapy causes could lead to organ failure and my immune system becoming so beaten down that i am left weak and at risk of all kinds of infections.
I have put so much time, effort, money and hope into the alternative and natural approach to treatment that the fear it may all be for nothing became overwhelming.
It took several days of reminding myself why I decided to tackle my cancer from all angles and thankfully, the fear began to subside and my faith restored. I realised it won’t all be for nothing as i have, 6 months on from my diagnosis, felt healthier than ever before, especially in comparison to the last 10+ years.
This, as i am learning, is yet another example of the ebbs and flows of this journey. Cancer does this to you. One minute you think you’ve got a grip on it all and next, you’re crippled with fear.
*Edit…..Two weeks on from this post and I’m feeling well and more focused than ever to use my “holiday” as an opportunity to heal. Not only to recover from the effects and damage undoubtedly caused by the chemotherapy and not only in an effort to deplete my body of cancer cells currently invading it, but to heal emotionally, from past traumas and the stress a cancer diagnosis has on you.
I see myself stronger, both physically and mentally. I see myself well.
I can now, finally, look forward to making plans (once Covid restrictions are lifted)
……now, would somebody please pass me the sun cream?
I would love to hear your experiences during a break from treatment.
Are you or someone you know on a break from treatment?
What impact did your treatment break have on you?